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You have the power to write a heroic or tragic narrative for your life—which will you choose?

Have you ever wondered what you would write if you had to write a personal biography of your life?

It’s a great way to figure out what you really think of yourself. It might not seem like the deepest, most novel and soul-searching exercise, but when I give it to my clients, the outcome never fails to fascinate me and incriminate them, each and every time.

As an aside (and, no doubt, a fact that will perfectly explain my penchant for the bio): I was a Russian Literature major many (three) decades ago in college. So it’s no surprise that I’m the type who is tickled by tales of the twisted and tragic figure of the hero.

My heroes were always the screwed. And still are!

What interests me the most are the details we handpick to sum up our lives today. Out of the gazillion stories from which we could choose, there are a particular handful of favorites we land upon when telling the story of how it all went down. Sure, some reasons are obvious: the time you broke your leg, parents got divorced, you got fired from your job, which siblings were the worst, etc. We can’t help but make sure that the reader knows that: 1) We suffered here, here and here; and 2) at the hands of him, him and her.

We love to accentuate the negative (for example: where we got dumped, cheated on, hit puberty early, our parents failed us and so on). Boy, do we like the negative stories!

Even when something great happens in our life that actually makes it into our bio, often times, we make it sound accidental and credit chance or coincidence. (I ended up at Harvard, I got this job, met this mate.) We rarely brag about what it took to believe, to fight for something and to actually cause something great to be. Why is that?

Lost in translation

Everything that happened, happened. So why do our stories seem so out of our hands? Maybe it’s the translator’s fault. Who is currently in charge of writing your bio, anyway? How old are they? And, while we’re at it, who exactly is scoring it? Because truth be told, so many of the bios I read from my clients sound like they would go perfectly with a sad, weepy violin. Sure, they might think they are just culling the most important stories that honestly paint the full picture of who they are today, but they tell it (and live it!) like they have zero choice about the story’s current translation.

I remember in a Czech literature class on Milan Kundera, the professor (the amazing, late Michael Henry Heim) was telling us about Kundera’s response to seeing his novel, “Unbearable Lightness of Being,” on the big screen for the first time. Kundera responded that it was akin to seeing his daughter sullied. Only, Professor Heim pointed out, in the Czech language, the word Kundera used for “sullied,” could be translated to mean “soiled.”

A world of difference, no?

At that moment, I remember being awed by the deceptively simple but potent power of words. It occurred to me even then, how important they are not just to the telling of the story, but the meaning of it too.

Tell it like it is

The reason we prefer sad stories to the great and powerful is way sneakier than it is tragically sad. If we really had to write a bio that claimed we were amazing, we’d have to be responsible for being amazing again, again and again.

We’d have to stop wishing the anecdotes were different, our parents were better, our breasts were bigger (or smaller!), the relationship worked out, etc. Yet, we carry those stories around like a security blanket, pretending we can’t put them down because we don’t want to put them down.

If we believe that we have nothing to do with what works and doesn’t work in our lives, we don’t have to do anything about it.

I should know! For many years, my favorite translator of my story was, for argument’s sake (and well, because it’s true), “Middle Marnie,” the third child of four. Middle Marnie had craftily curated all of her childhood memories to garner proof that she was misunderstood, unappreciated and different—switching summer camps every year because I didn’t fit in, unfairly punished for innocently pushing my older sister Beth down the stairs or taunting her in front of my already edge-teetering mother.

Somehow, I managed skillfully to tell all the stories only from the perspective of poor misunderstood Middle Marnie. A far cry from the current. and possibly more accurate. perspective of another translator, “Mofo Marnie!” If I had been telling my story from that perspective from the beginning, I’d be a CEO today. I’d be the one to not screw with, versus the screwed.

Rewrite history

The power to write or rewrite or translate your life story, your bio, is always up to you. I had to fire my translator and thank her for trying to keep my fingerprints off of anything in my life that didn’t work out. I had to find a new translator (Mofo Marnie!) that focused on designing, telling and writing my bio in a much braver, bolder way.

And, with a good edit and a heavy dose of the truth, that story gained layers of nuance. The characters came to life in a whole new way. Now cast as the main protagonist, my actions and reactions determine what kind of story it is: a comedy, a tragedy, a powerful coming-of-age. Best of all, as the author, I’m writing the plot as I go, making it whatever I wish it to be.

Think about the bio YOU would write. Who is the protagonist of your story—a hero or victim? Who did you hire to be your translator? Who’s holding the pen? (Okay, fine, nobody these days.) Who’s tapping on the keyboard?

For more tips on editing your own biography, building your dream body or pursuing your life’s work, check out the amazing programs, resources, events and coaches from Handel Group.

About Handel Group

Handel Group is a renowned corporate consulting and life coaching company. They’re improving personal and professional lives, one human at a time. HG LIFE coaches individuals to design and live an inspired life. By developing Personal Integrity® and aligning your heart, mind and actions with your dreams, we deal head-on with your current challenges in the most critical areas of your life, such as health, love, family, career and money. Our private and group programs provide the tools and support needed to awaken your dreams and cause lasting change.

Interested in changing how your inner autobiography is currently being written and translated? Want to be the hero and not the victim of your own story? Inner.U, the new digital coaching course from Handel Group, has more than 14 hours of audio coaching from Lauren Zander along with homework assignments and prizes.

Visit https://www.handelgroup.com/24hourfitness for a special 24Life Offer for Inner.U, or to schedule a complimentary coaching consultation.

Photo credit: Oliver Thomas Klein, Unsplash

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Marnie Nir
Humor, compassion and candor are the driving forces in Marnie Nir’s work as a coach with Handel Group. A student of Slavic Language and Literature at UCLA, Marnie graduated with a BA in Russian Literature. After marrying and giving birth to her first child, Marnie started coaching with her sister, Lauren Zander, creating the dream of who she wanted to be as a mother. However, her work with Lauren took everything in her life to a much deeper level. More than a decade later, she is now the mother of two, a trained coach in The Handel Method, a freelance writer, a blogger for the Huffington Post, DatingAdvice as well as her own blog (“The Sour MILF”) and formerly a columnist for the Jupiter Post and Westport News. Most notably, she and her writing partner have created a half-hour animated TV series, “Mother Up!,” starring Eva Longoria. Marnie lives in Pound Ridge, NY with her husband and two children.
  • Wow! What a great read! Sometimes we need a hard hand to tell us to stop playing victim; don’t blame others for your downfall, be humble, be ready to learn something new instead of talk about what you know, etc. Other times, we need a soft hand. This is what this article is. Thanks!

    • Rachelle Cihonski

      Thanks for reading, Travis!